Ditasara’s blog

So I came home from work at 2am in the morning, went to my room when my housemate drops a bomb by saying that she is going home, to Taiwan. She has been contemplating it for awhile, so it wasn't really the biggest surprise, but still.....living alone for a month while she is away is a bit nerve racking for me to imagine. She plans on going home for a month, but every bone in my body tells me that (because she is damn easy influence by her surrounding.....especially her parents), she will go back for a month and then decide she wants to move back for good.

I went to bed, but wasn't necessarily worried much. I love my life at the moment and hope she would too, but she doesn't have what I have at the moment, a support system, positive outlook and a guy (who's not really mine) who keeps me standing tall. And to be honest, because of her negative and cynical outlook, she puts me down very easily and I end up thinking about keeping her emotions steady, without thinking of my own happiness. So, maybe it would be best if she moves on, back to Taiwan, where she belongs.

I would need to find a new place to live......but I will survive, I'm sure of it. God make me stronger than most people on this earth.

Yes, one more week to go. My financial and work situation have gotten better, I got another job offer, as a tv commercial translator, which surprisingly brings in more money than being an assistant producer, so I'm psych. I'm still on trial...and impatiently waiting for a reply from the company, but I think I'll get this. I'm seriously considering quitting my waitressing job, especially if I had a long awful night, but then again, I like the place, and I love most of the people who work there, so it's gonna be a bit tough, but for the next two weeks, I'm definitely off work, since my family is coming and I have this corporate video shoot coming up.

Regarding CY, our conversations have turned more and more....well, obvious. He kept asking me to remind him exactly when I'll be coming up, since he has a bad memory, and when I suggested that he'll come to London for sightseeing, he said that after he finished his degree, he'll take a masters in Cambridge, so he'll be much nearer to London than he is now. I have no idea though if our subtlety is for the same reasons....but I'm hoping it is.

One more week and I'll see him again......I keep having the scene in my head, how it will go down.

So, after that awkward wedding chat we had, CY and I didn't chat for 3 days, I think. I didn't contact him first, I was holding back, although I wanted to tell him how my belly dancing class went and all that, but I held back. And after 3 days, he popped up, IM me about Borat. He just finished watching it and thought of me.....nice huh. Well, the last time we saw it was when we were hanging out at my neighbors house, about 8 months ago. He was sitting across from me and during the film (which horrified me, btw) we kept teasing each other, and that's the night all of our classmate realized that there might be something more between us. We discussed Borat and many other stuff until he wanted to get back to his book, and now, we chat daily again...as usual. We even finally exchange numbers the other night. We have known each other for 1 year, but never exchange phone numbers, talking about weird, huh.

So, we're gonna see each other in about 2 weeks, and I'm kinda putting myself in too much pressure over it. 1, my family might be there with me, and well....it couldn't get more awkward. 2, some classmates will also be present, alongside LCG who (I hope) does not know my feelings for CY. I mean, I need to act cool, but within that one meeting also have to figure out how he feels and where we actually stand with each other.

I'm really truly nervous about the meeting!!!!!!!!!!!

So, CY and I chat daily now.....
And these last couple of days, the topics has been slightly head spinning. The other night, since TW "finally" broke up with her Greek Guy, we talked about relationships, how he would know for certain if the girls he is with is for fun or forever, what his criterias are in a woman, how she has to be beautiful, smart, wise, nurturing (to their future children), which made me feel totally completely awkward and slightly judged. It made me sleep a bit restless.....thinking about "Do I fit in those categories?"

Tonight, just now, the topic was deeper and even more serious sounding. About marriage. We started from graduation, which then somewhat slipped into a marriage topic, with him saying how he would just sign a marriage license in the city hall, which crushed my heart to pieces. Odd, I know. He then ask me how I envisioned my wedding to be, and I told him about certain details that should be there, and how I always want all the silly little stuff I've dreamed about for the longest time. Of course, he didn't get it, and said that the wedding is one day, but marriage will be for the rest of your life, bla...bla....

That's how the chat ended, hahaha, he hasn't said anything again for the last 10 minutes. Awkward silence, as they say.

So, I continued to develop a "chat" relationship and feelings for CY, one chat when I was in Germany for Eid, when my naughty Bro-in-law started chatting him up and it turned into an hour long chat. I do love chatting with him, he even implied "pay me a visit" (those were his exact words), but I kinda played hard to get....

That night, I also wrote a long email to my Pal, along the lines of "trying to press the refresh button on our friendship" , and when I was in Amsterdam the next day and checked my email, he replied. It was an awkward email, and he was very cool and snippish, as he always is after we have a fight. He usually remains like that until I coax him over and over again and in about two weeks or so, things will turn back to normal, but as I sat there, looking at the foreign computer screen in a small hotel in Amsterdam, I realized that maybe our friendship session had expired. I didn't feel the need to coax him, nor to tel him anything anymore, and obviously, he was still disregarding me by continue sending our film to festival without any notice to me, and the fact that he spent 4 days drinking and gambling in Hongkong was the perfect icing on the cake. This is not the person I should have broken my heart for...he is obviously not worth all the pain and heartache. But I never regretted sending that email, since Eid is all about forgiveness, I made my peace with myself, and now, everytime I pass by a Thai Restaurant, I no longer feel nauseous and my thoughts no longer go to him.

Now, after I came back from Amsterdam, I went straight to work, and TW's Greek Guy arrived. So, I left them by themselves, so they can be all lovey dovey, which went terribly wrong. She came to my room every night, crying her eyes out because they kept fighting...bla...bla...and I sat there, trying hard to be sympathetic, but was honestly annoyed. She has abandon all housework and kinda ignoring me since he arrived, while I was working 8 hours per day and still managed to figure out the housebills, clean and cook, and she still wants my full attention when she needs it, it's a bit hard to feel sorry for her at times.
   
Regarding CY, after a week of no contact (I've always chatted him up first) and a boy's insight from my Kuwaiti friend who adviced me "Don't throw yourself at him", which honestly pissed me off to pieces, since I would never even consider that, CY said "hi" three days ago, which then turned into a 3 hour chat about anything under the sun. Our ultimate record yet. He even managed to convince me to finally installed MSN messenger so he can send me the silly winks.....

I can't wait to see him in November, I have to wait just a bit longer, although I have no problem jumping on a train to him at any given time, I should not throw myself at him, right?

On another note, I like my coworkers, and they seem to be alright with me....and although the job is exhausting, it has it's good side. I get proper food and delicious desserts everytime I'm at work and get to spend time with people who are as sweet as hell. Sure, there are the bad ones, as in any other work places, but I keep quite and alerted around them, not there to make any enemies, just enough money to pay the rent and have fun with. I'm hosting a potluck party in two weeks for the closest and dearest at the flat, which will be a lot of fun for sure, can't wait. Oh, for a change, I told CY about it first before telling TW, who is still fulltime preoccupied with her Greek Guy. But knowng they might have to break-up soon because he has to go to military service for two years, my feeling sorry level goes up and up.

So, someone said to me a few days ago, regarding CY's return to England that I should trust my gut instinct when it comes to him. Well, he came back yesterday, but only got online tonight. He did not call, text or said hi to me first online. I'm the one that sent him an IM message about 2 hours ago, which then turned into a 2 hour chat about everything under the sun. He explained his days at home, bla...bla, yet offered no explanation on NOT replying my emails for two weeks, or anything about missing nor wanting to see me. He just said bye, because he wanted to get back to his book, and my gut has a very specific feeling at the moment. This guys does not like me...I mean, he is interested in me because I'm so completely different from him (I'm religious, kinda...he is not, I'm conservative...he's sexually obnoxious) but that's about it.

Bye CY......nice conversing with you.

So, I still miss my Pal.....bugger. I will probably miss him forever and always. But I'm still not making a move, he needs to make the first move of reconciliation this time.

Regarding Mr.Cyprus, he will be back in England this weekend, but strangely hasn't return my email, yet again. He should be alive and well though, atleast that's what I hear from LCG, who he communicates with. I don't know what's wrong or what went wrong, if my last email about fasting and all that freaked him out or if he just simply lost interest in our conversing....beats me. I guess I will find out soon enough.

The strangest thing is, I can actually feel him, especially when I'm working...I can feel him, sense him, which is very odd in general but also for the fact that I don't really know this guy very well....so it's probably my too wild imagination kicking in.

So I came home from work yesterday afternoon, after a long day of serving people coffee and food. I turned on my laptop as I chatted with TW about how my day was when I saw it in my mailbox.......an email, the long awaited email from CY, titled "Better Late then Never". I actually have stopped hoping for any form of contact from him, afraid he might just simply bored of me or something, so it was a nice surprise after working all day.

Apparently, he was quite sick and couldn't email me simply for that reason. I read through his email multiple times, where he explained exactly all the emotions he felt during his sickness, which led to him fainting and being brought to the hospital. He then assured me that he was feeling much better after all the medication the doctors gave him.

I replied him right away, which I have never done before, out of pride...mostly, but he was sick, so...I wanted to express my concern. I can't believe he will be back by the end of this month. I mean, I don't live in the same city another, but somehow I'm still hoping we will see each other. Will we?

Another thing that happened to me yesterday, at work, one of my managers came to me as I was polishing glasses in the glass room and said he needed to talk to me, privately. So, we did. He said that I'm making great progress in my work and that I will be getting more shifts as they trust me to do the job right. He also said that starting January 2009, should I still need more shifts, he can help me get work at the Royal Albert Hall, since he knows people there. As he talked, I just smiled along while thinking "as much as I'm actually enjoying this, I'm not interested in making this my career. My parents did not support me to become a waitress in hospitality". But it was really nice of him though. I mean, in a way, he was supporting me, right?

The last thing, this morning, as I woke up, my Pal was online. Chatting to TW. I was instantly bothered although I have been completely fine for the last couple of days. But seeing his online button on my messenger just drove me mad, so I did what  do best. I deleted it. He had two IM ID and I deleted both. I also talked to TW that if he ask, don't tell him about anything going on in my life. If he wants to know, he can ask me directly. I did the same thing, although TW was chatting away with him, for the first time, I did not ask her about what it was all about.

Damn it, I actually thought I was completely over the hurt and pain, but apparently, every little thing can still spark the anger in me.

Please make it go away.  

I shouldn't complain. I should be happy to have a job to help me pay the rent and bills, making me more and more financially independent, although the job is far from my MA studies and I only work three times a week. On Monday, I started working as a waitress at a Banqueting Hall, a very fancy one, with two days of training where I had to learn costumer service, the history of the building and how to fold the napkins.

The not so exciting thing was, the first day of work was the first day of the fasting month. And my first shift was 6pm till closing, so I broke my fast 3 hours earlier, ate at home of the fear of passing out during work because I might not get a break for dinner..... Everything went fine, and the food is excellent, unlike most English meals. I got another shift on Wednesday, during the day, and it was torture as well, since I serve people drinks and food as I'm unable to consume anything during the day. TW has been supportive, although she doesn't approve with the fact that we're not even allowed to drink during fasting period. She changed her eating schedule to mine, which was cute, so we still eat dinner at the same time.

My manager at work is nice.....and if I was not into someone at the moment, I might develop a small crush on him, but my thoughts are still far far away in Cyprus. He'll be back in England in about two weeks, so it's kinda nerve wrecking for me. Why? Well, expectations can be a very dangerous thing. Maybe I'm expecting that our emails and chats will turn into something more once he comes back, but will it be just as sweet? We only had 1 phone conversations ever, and I called him for production reasons, so we were not really talking about personal stuff.....so, the anxiety of longing for him for the last three months might turn into a huge disappointment when we finally realize we don't have that much in common or to talk about.

Something happened to me today....just a few hours ago, actually. After a very sunny Saturday yesterday, where TW and I were at the National Theatre once again, facing the Thames River, today it's foggy and raining, yet I forced myself to get out at noon because we didn't have food in the house and I was starving. TW just woke up and was making coffee when I got out. So, I shopped in a little supermarket across the street from where we live....getting my "must have" Ice Tea Box (which TW calls sugar water...yeah, whatever, I like it) and a bunch of boring grocery stuff. I was contemplating whether I should buy a new bottle of vegetable oil when I saw a tall figure in the front of me.....I saw his back, and he was skinny, tall, with slightly curly hair and wearing a striped t-shirt. I instantly smiled and thought of CY. Of course it wasn't him....but the thought that I thought it was him was adoring enough and gave me a giggle.

We chatted the other night.....3 or 4 nights ago perhaps. It was 3.30am London time....so 5.30am Larnaca time. I nagged him about still being awake at that hour and he nagged me back. He said girls are suppose to sleep earlier than boys, bla...bla.....and then started to babbled about a lot of other stuff that girls are supposed to do less....then boys. I won't go into details, since his sense of humor is slightly vulgar and there is a possibility my dad is reading this, but because I was no longer disgusted and was able to challenge him at his own game and eventually managed to freaked him out. Hahaha, I'm more complicated than just being plain conservative, CY. So, after he finally fell sleepy, he said he has a few extra days to reply my email (since the chat bought him a few days, he thought), I haven't heard from him since.

I miss you, Dude.