Posts (page 2)
I had a dream about you last night. Not sure why. Yesterday, TW and I had an excellent day at the National Theatre. Just sitting, exploring the BFI and drinking coffee while looking at the River Thames. Two years ago, you asked me if I wanted to take a walk along the Thames, which we end up not doing.
So, TW and I talked about you. How you're no longer my friend on facebook and how good I feel about it. I told her, all I want is to see you and forgot all the resentment and ugliness that happened. She said that it's probably because to you, I was always a platonic friend, while I always wanted you as something more. Maybe she is right, but we both feel the other treated us badly. We both felt hurt, and still do.
So, I woke up this morning....went to the Camden Market and had an excellent day with TW and a friend that didn't really talk to me (her english is awful....yet she refused to practice speaking it), but I didn't feel like shopping, or fun because almost all my thoughts are with you. CY is on my mind daily now, but today, it was a Pal day. I cried on the bus...silently as TW was sitting next to me. I just miss you so much, and I know you miss me too. Whatever we were, however much we hurt each other, we were in each others life for 2 years, intensely, through bad and good times, through a lot of cooking and drinking sessions, through yells and laughter.
But I also know you. You will never make the first move of contacting me ever again, unless it's something really important to you. You will never admit that you miss me, not until the day you die, perhaps. I miss you terribly Pal, some days more than others, but whatever it is I do, when it comes to you, I always seem to get hurt. Not really sure what to do with this hurt. Does time really heal all the pain?
After resisting forever to watch The Office, either the UK or US version, since I'm not really into mockumentaries, I ran into a fan video on Youtube and got curious about those two. So, since CY and I talked about writing for different formats of screens, I opened my mind and watch an episode,....then two.....and fell in love with them.
So, I think on Saturday, I change my single status on facebook because old friends from Jakarta looked me up and started nagging about why I'm still single, bla...bla...bla. I deleted the status part, I did not change it into a relationship or anything like that.
Early Monday morning, at 7am...I had a few spare minutes to check my mail before I needed to dry my wet hair, get dressed and put a bit of make-up before I needed to leave the house for the two day induction at the catering company. There it was, TWO emails from CY. I smiled and read it fast. He responded to all the topics from my previous email....but the highlight of those two emails was his comment about my change of status on facebook. He babbled about me just settling in, and soon will be settling down with possible a thug rapper named F.DOG (hilarious) and how London is a lucky city. I laugh so hard and emailed him back really quickly, saying that I innocently changed it....and that I AM NOT in any relationship with any rappers as of yet. I also end up changing back to my single status on facebook and even updated my status with "Still single here..."
I came home at 7pm, and yet another email from CY, responding to the facebook relationship status thing...short but cute, and a message on my wall from a classmate. Let's call him JB. JB left a message saying that with my Pal being gone, he should be the one walking me down the aisle and he's not ready to do so. Responding to the single status update and how relieved he is. I replied with a message on his wall.
About an hour later, I got a call from K, the Kuwaiti friend that just moved back to England for his PHD. Without even a hello, he went straight to:"Are you getting married?" I explained to him the situation as best I could and shook my head with the drama Facebook gave me in two days timing. TW calls it Facebook drama.
The best thing out of it is that I got three emails from CY after a dry spell........and his respond really did put a huge smile on my face for the last two days.
Well, the deleting my Pal from Facebook back fired faster than any bullet I've known. A few hours after I deleted him, he wanted to left a message for me on my wall and couldn't find me in his friends list and instantly put two and two together and thought that I blocked him (not sure if blocking is any better or worst then deleting). So, he left a message on a mutual friend's wall instead, knowing I would read it. He was probably quite upset......but I had my own share of anger in this storyline. Our short film got accepted in the Thailand Short Film and Video Festival and was gonna be screened a day before he tried to messaged me. As the writer and producer, I should get a proper notice.....and not just a random note on my facebook wall. Why didn't he just email me, it's work stuff....not a casual, "how are you...how's the weather thing?
I explained to him why I had to delete him, which didn't get any sympathy from him at all.....but he did say I'm sorry for upsetting me, two words that probably never came out of his mouth for the time I've known him. That all happened on Monday, and I haven't added him as a friend again. But honestly, I feel relieved of going to the Facebook site without getting goosebumps of nausea when I find him communicating with other friends then me.
On another note, CY finally changed his facebook profile pic since the first time he registered. It's still not my fave pic of him, but it's ok to look at. He hasn't emailed me back since Saturday......I don't know why, but my week has been pretty busy, so I really don't have time to obsess about him. Do I still miss him? Yes, absolutely. Will I be alright if he disappear into the night? Yes. I'm sure of it.
On the final note for this week, I got a temp job in catering once again. This time, it's at a more serious company. They interviewed me and I'm gonna start a 2 day training starting Monday. I got new shoes for the gig, since I don't have black flats and end up getting trainers since they're much more comfortable than normal flats.
We're having a housewarming party tonight with the friends we have here, and also a few neighbors who might or might not show up. Can't believe we've been in London for 2 weeks now. And next week, a bunch of new people are going to enter my life, so I'm excited about it. I'm still missing CY, I'm still missing my Pal. For CY, I think I've made it pretty obvious that I'm available and interested in him.......so the ball is in his court. There is nothing I can do about him at the moment. Regarding my Pal, the last email was from him, and although I still think about him daily, I believe not being in contact with him in any way is the best thing for me right now. It might be bad to our friendship, it might not be considered polite for me to cut him out of my life for now, but I cannot continue to obsess about a person who doesn't think I'm as important to him as he is to me.
Well, beauty and danger so to speak. My Pal left a message for a mutual friend. He ask how the friend is doing, bla...bla...Nothing personal, but sounding interested in how our friend is actually doing. I got mad. Again, I know. So, I deleted him from my friends list and reset my privacy setting. My Pal now cannot look at my profile or pics nor anything anymore. And I feel good about it. Sure, there is a chance I might regret it in the near future....such as tomorrow or even in a few hours, but at the moment, it brings me a great sense of relief knowing that his activity on facebook can no longer piss me off.
For the second time through email....and the multiple time in general, CY managed to light me up. My Pal came online yesterday, TW was chatting with him, he knew I was online but didn't bother to say hi to me. So, I just told TW to tell him I said "Hi." I then received a notice from facebook in my mailbox, saying that my Pal made a comment on my pic. I checked it out...but it was a simple comment, nothing personal towards me. TW was still chatting with him and I felt a bit angry, for him not trying to chat with me, not sure if I make any sense, but I felt angry and hurt.
About 5 minutes later, still feeling majorly pissed off, I got an email from CY and it instantly made me smile again. He has done it before, I was furious about my Pal, and an email from CY calmed me down. So, for the second time, in my mailbox, there is an email or notice from my Pal then from CY....right after each other.
I miss both of them, for very different reasons.
CY, because I need to see him, so we can mock each other face to face...
My Pal, because I feel the need to slap him, or at least ask for an explanation why he can be so cold and insensitive to his (once) closest friend.....
So, emails with CY are still continuing....he was so sweet regarding me moving to London, wishing me a safe and nice journey, because he knows I used to get car sick all the time, and the first evening in London, I emailed him back. I haven't received a reply yet, but it's only been two days.
My issues at the moment is about my Pal and my sister. My Pal remains the person he has always been, he never responds first....if he gets an email, he'll respond (not very nicely, might I add). So, both him and my sister knew when I was moving, and both of them didn't care to check in to see if I made it to London in one piece. Nothing still from my Pal, and I'm sure nothing will....unless he needs me to do something for him, such as sending his stuff or taking care of the bills crap like I've been doing for the last year. My sister though, it a piece of work. When she found out I was moving to London, I ask if she can send me some money for the moving van, since I have to get a lot of money out for rent and deposit and so forth, she then asked if her friend can sleep over and forwarded my email to that friend. Well, her friend emailed me and said she will be in London for 3 weeks and was hoping I would let her stay for as long as I'm ok with having her around. She arrives in London the day I was moving.
TW has been excellent and said if I'm fine with it, then she is, but I'm totally not fine with it. I apologized to this friend of hers and said it won't be possible since we would still trying to get the house in order, which is completely true...I'm going to Argos today to get a power drill so I can have my shelves. Anyways, my beloved sister hasn't send me money, yet wants me to help bidding on her stuff on ebay, to get the items she's selling on a higher price. I did, on two items, without any questions.
So, a week later, still no money (and I am too proud to ask her about it again), no words from her, she again ask me to bid on her stuff. I'm not doing that again. I mean, it's not just about the money....she could just check in to see how I'm doing....she is my older sister, for fucking sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is, in more than one way, like my Pal. They only check in when they need or want something from me, but when it's the other way around, they flee the scene ASAP.
Pal, I was the best support system you had in England, for two whole years I was there, helping you through everything, from tv license, electric bills, visa crap....bank crap......house contract crap and the minute you leave England, you don't even bother to check whether I'm alive unless I email you first regarding the bills you left behind? I promised myself I will not (unless I need something from you) email you first. This dependency issue of me is not pretty and I'm sick of letting you know I care more about you than you about me.
As far as I know, I'm done with you.
So, I came home after a hangout, which was eating dinner at my Pal's fave chinese restaurant, which weirdly reminds me more of CY then him because I went there with CY the last day before he flew back home, I went online to the facebook site, and found him being online. I missed him, so I sent a simple "hey" message. I didn't get a respond for several minutes as TW was giggling as she watched old episodes of Ally McBeal on my tv, but then....I received an email...from CY.
I opened it and it contained the play he said he was writing, with detailed description of several scenes which was based on the conversations between me and him, and as I continued reading....he popped up on facebook, said Hi back and we end up chatting for more than 2 hours, about very serious topics, no more hows the weather crap......about love, future children, ideal mates, men expectations in women and vice versa. We ended...well, I ended the chat at 2am in the morning, 4am Cyprus time because my brain was over loaded with philosophical information (which I didn't tell him for course, he might think I'm too brainless to have a decent conversation with).
From the so called "pure and innocent (a.k.a immature)" conversations I usually share with my Pal, I have moved to the total opposite Man, who questions everything in life, including religion. Although, he knows how sensitive I can be about mine......he never made another weird joke again regarding my beliefs.
As for the play, it has his personality written all over it, which was nice to see. He is indeed a great writer. But I also discovered one thing.....his pride and arrogance against everything else on this planet is not quite a quality I adore in a man. But I'm still getting to know him, so who knows all this is just his shield to the world.
Oh, I talked to LCG last night, well, we chatted...and finally told her that I still keep in touch with CY, she was surprised but told me that he sent her his play as well. Suddenly, I feel less important to him, but then again, they were house mates and friend long before I popped in the picture.
CY emailed me...about two days ago, when I was over my head missing him. He apologizes for not emailing me earlier because he was busy, and then told me what he was up to. He is currently writing his first theatre play and cannot wait to send it to me so I can give him some advice. I really like the fact that we are both writers and that he considers me someone he can go to for writing discussion. He also commented about the fact I was looking for a shared flat with his friend, who is also from Cyprus, and said "maybe one of you will fall in love with the other, since that's what always happen in movies." I'm not sure what that comment meant, although he did sound a bit nervous about me getting too close to his friend.
Earlier that day, I got an email from my Pal. That mail made me realized how different we are from each other. I emailed him, reporting about mail arriving for him at home, and letting him know about my new place in London, how the house hunting thing went.....and he emailed back basically two lines, saying "thanks for checking my email and good luck in London". And this, people...is the guy that spun my head around and made me cry thousand of gallons of tears.
I'm packing, and ready to say goodbye to the small town that's been my home for the last two years. I'm sure it's not the final goodbye yet, especially since CY is still studying here for another year.
I found a flat in London last weekend, after viewing a few horrifying places all over the big city. We went to tons of different neighborhoods, which includes the Jewish community.....(which I thought was quite fascinating because I've never seen their whole attire before, the hats and all that), the Pakistani muslim community, the African Carribean community and the White community, so to speak. TW and I wanted to get a place with another Guy from Cyprus, who happens to be CY close friend, but finding a 3 bedroom flat in the area that he wanted, was impossible.
I came back home to find piles of mail, and as instructed by my Pal, I opened his mail to see if something important for him was there. Just a threat from the mobile phone company regarding him not paying the bill....he didn't managed to cancel the service before moving back home but pulled all his money from his bank account. Today though, there was a notice from the bank, saying that his sister just send him 100pounds. I looked at that piece of paper for a few seconds, totally confused. A lot of things passed my mind, but only one really scared me. What if he comes back, for whatever reason (traveling?) He hasn't been gone for a month but I'm already letting go and with the whole move to London in two weeks, I'm more than ready to start the next big step of my life. He made me hate myself.....so having him in my life, even for a few more moments is really not my priority anymore. I gave him too much love, attention and affection I could, and I'm done.
As for CY, Mr. Incommunicato, even after I left a message of silliness on his facebook, I still miss. I still think about him dearly, terribly. I kept thinking we could have something real here. Where are you?
